If only this was set in Florence

I have never been to emotionally exhausted to post while also feeling the desire to do so.

I hate that at every major point in my life I will think about those people I wish I could experience it with and just aren't there. 

Even worse is the realization that that number is going to get much bigger and quickly.

Random - The next few big things in my life, phd, marriage, adoption, will happen at points in the future that my only sane aunt and uncle will not be able to experience. All the adults in my family have horrid health. And ,well, there's a betting pool and the outside is 10 yrs. soo...


Ok on a happier note, or at least a less sober one.

My plans for after finals:
1.Put on ridiculously, girlly, sparkly, slutty, outfit.
2.Grab an outlandish color of eyeshadow and fingernail polish.
3. DRINK
4. DRINK
5. DRINK
6. drink until I no longer realize I don't contain the ability to dance any better than a three year old with no rhythm.
7. Dance until I can't feel my feet
8. Tromp across campus. Then violate and molest the statues. Get pics of friends doing the same.
9. Battle someone with light sabers.
10.Obtain at least one inappropriate mark

Well I'll have to be fast cause Graduation is on Saturday and I only have friday night to do all of the above...well and saturday morning.

I didn't need to be sober to graduate right. Surely not here at the smallest, biggest party school ever!

I have the best roomies ever!! I have been a basket-case all damn day because of a stupid presentation and the fact that graduation depends on it. :( !!! But my roomies talked me off multiple ledges and held my proverbial hand for the last 3 days.

They even put up with the ultimate pessimistic head space I was in. Where failing leads to not graduating and that leads not getting a job and that leads to working with small children for several yrs which leads to becoming a soccer mom whos married to a red-necked idiot who wonders how he married someone who used to do fancy things with them numbers which leads to a child who enjoys american idol and only reads twilight at which point a torturous long death or possibly ritual suicide seems preferable to giving the presentation.

The whining and slow breathing were sooo annoying but they got thru it. Even the blank stares, hyperventilating and my complete inability to follow any conversation that was not all about me! They pulled thru and even brought me stuff I forgot. And then walked me to class to make sure I didn't jump down the stairs to prevent having to speak in public.

What will I ever do with out them. Especially since they put up with me being so stupid and obsessive!!!

I pledge that no matter what, I owe them specifically for this presentation. I will bail them out of jail, pick up dry cleaning, talk about football or even talk about warm and fuzzy feelings.

When Deliah is seventy and arrested for indecent exposure I will make one of my children bail her out and she can come and stay with me at the assisted living community!

I feel like I spent the entire last seven days feeling exceedingly tired, groggy, and self loathy.

Went to bed last night feeling pretty pathetic continuing my own mental pity party. Possibly equally pathetic having a random friend send me hugs on facebook was really nice.

Woke up this morning pissed off I had to go to class early. Got up and refused to put any but the most minimal effort into my appearance. A sure sign I am not having a good day. Couldn't find my giant - fuck off- suglasses, that let the whole world know not to approach me on fear of beheading or defenestration depending on the location.  

But somewhere in the middle of my computer closing random windows and the third stupid question to my profesor not to mention using the wrong lab data, I finished a moderately large project and my mood changed.

I went to soul sucking class and very effectively blocked out most of class. Excluding the stupid tangent on the collective unconscious (is this really what we are teaching in higher education!?!) But even a pompous, purple headed, pretentious, picayune, perfidious professor couldn't ruin this sunny day.

I desire phallicly shaped icecream or more realistically vegan sherbert. I want to wear a tiara and spin. I like spinning and lady lovely locks.

I am very sad I missed the sunset tonight but there's always tomorrow. Maybe I can go visit rivendell before I leave or sit next to the troll bridge and read in the sunshine while listening to the babbling of the Naiades.

I think I stole my peppy from summer. :( she so enjoys poking the pathetic, plantive, and a personal pique.

So being a very klutzy person falling down or up the stairs once a week is unremarkable.

But today... I started my morning by walking into the door to the stairs in our building. Realized I forgot my keys just as I was opening the outer door to the building. Fell up the stairs on my way back to my apartment to recover said keys. Then went to class just on time YAY.

The sound wasn't turned off on my computer. So when everyone is supposed to be opening notes etc on their computers (no one does, I sit in the back, but someone talked to the guy who always had naked personals on his) Facebook messenger starts doing that clicking noise. Great! Not only does everyone including the professor know I am messaging in class, I am the only lame ass on facebook.

Next class. I walk across campus and thankfully its warmer. I help open the door for a girl with a large bag - possibly an instrument of some sort. Not only does she not acknowledge me or say thank you she whacks me with the damn thing when she turns. I didn't need that leg, right?

Get to soul-sucking class sit down about 1-3 minutes late. Open my soda as the professor gets to explaining light pollution ( I thought I was in a college Literature class not 5th grade science) and it explodes!!! I start laughing the girl on my right schooches away and the girl in front of me makes a 180 in her seat to give me a dirty look that oddly turns into laughing. Meanwhile the profesor is still prattling on about how sand reflects and poor places are darker at night (surprising right). I choose to leave class for paper towels. When I stand up I realize there is a puddle of soda on my seat. The only places the soda got , besides my classmates, was my elbow and my crotch! I looked like I had peed my pants. That sort of thing happens to me quite often. Spilling things not urinating in my pants. But this was very authentic looking. I leave class go down the hall to the bathroom sort of smirking and giggling. And no less than 8 people stop what they are doing to openly stare at me all the way down the hall. I thought I was starved for mental stimulus what the hell have they been doing.

A very amusing day. I thought that until the fucking air conditioning kicked on and I shiver my cold ass through the rest of the hour and 15 minutes. As I am leaving the building thinking how wonderfully warm it was going to be outside (it wasn't) I bang the door into the back of a random professor with quite a bit of force. I apologize and walk on my merry little way just to have someone throw a cup full of ice at me as I pass them on the sidewalk.

Hmm? Either my life is a horribly bad sitcom or the world is ending??  All this in one day is hysterical. Is everyone so amused by watching others fall down as I am doing it myself?

Alliteration is fun.

My legs are still sore which I am hoping has more to do with how much I danced and how dehydrated I became later than how out of shape my legs are. But I had so much fun. I don't know how its possible to still be tired today.

I love dancing. Which coming from me is nothing short of remarkable because I usually detest any activity that requires even a modicum of coordination. I went to a few dance classes and even middle eastern dance which was fun even if a little intimidating and messed up my hip again, yeah for arthritis. I even did one of the harder Italian dances which I loved but I think much more time will be spent perfecting making my feet go where they're supposed to before I feel brave enough to act like that big of an ass again. I spent the whole day talking to interesting people and didn't feel the need to be attached to summer (the ultimate shy person's security blankie). I met new people whose faces I'll hopefully remember and whose names I thought were so interesting at the time but have now left my memory completely. I got to experience a first, mundanes asking when the play was. Which was fun and a little off putting because originally I wanted to say something along the lines of "well shooting of Wenches 3 was running behind so the orgy scene is going to be shot after dinner" but it was a nice looking older man who asked and I instead tried to sum up what the SCA was (which is actually hard to do) and politely say I am not an actor. Some of the people I just met talked to me more than once so hopefully I didn't come off as absurd and unintelligent as I sometimes felt.

The Ball itself was awesome. I spent most of the time laughing. I didn't really sit out much unless I really needed a drink or something. Which is hilarious because I didn't realize till I got there that I had some latent middle school fear of standing all night waiting for someone to ask me to dance. But even watching the dances was greatly enjoyable. And once I got a little bit more comfortable finding a partner to dance with seemed to come pretty quickly for every dance I wanted to participate in. I wish I knew all the names of the dances. Some were pretty hysterically messed up. And to my unbelieving delight I wasn't the only person who had no clue what was going on and who kept messing everything up. No one seemed too angry about it though and even looking completely ridiculous I loved it. Seeing the dances with that many people in a larger space made them make a lot more since than they do in the classes. Watching the way the all of the dancers moved as a whole was quite fascinating. I think my eyes feet and brain were completely absorbed in something the entire night.

Getting up at 7 ish or was it 8? And not going to bed till like 6 or 7 the next morning was a little much. But every time I felt even a little tired or sleepy like at court or after dinner there was so much to do I forgot to be tired and my senses were completely overloaded and somehow naturally became more energized than if I had drank 3 shots of espresso. Possibly at post revel it was not quite so naturally because I had who knows how many rum and fully caffeinated pepsis. I think that this post revel was the most fun I have ever had in a party setting like that. I actually kept up conversations with complete strangers that were not only very intriguing to me but no one seemed to run in horror or make "save me" from the crazy bitch eyes at their friends over my shoulder. I don't think that I could have been more obnoxious, ridiculous or verbally uninhibited. But some people laughed when I told jokes. Whether I was slurring and being unintelligible by that point remains to be seen. I think over sharing may have been a serious problem. But no one seemed to plussed that my family is conservative (about the deepest dirtiest secret a vegetarian liberal like myself can have) and I honestly don't think I said anything I would actually consider embarrassing here's to praying I didn't actually offend someone (well to much anyway). Somewhere around 3:30 all the rum hit me and don't think I sobered up completely till about noon. I wish it wouldn't hit me all at once like that though I think I may have forgot some pretty interesting occurrences and conversations or at least more of them, sometimes I can only remember my reaction or internal monologue but not the cause. At least I had a pretty nice bite mark on my neck on Sunday afternoon and I definitely remember getting that.

Happily no one commented on the nice arrangement of my glasses and eyebrows. Though I'm sure summer tried to arrange it.

I needed to have fun, so glad I went, lillies is next week right... Damn.

I don't know where to start. I had so much fun. I was on sensory overload. I literally stayed awake for almost 24 hrs on 3 hrs sleep. And experienced a very different drunk. Beer is a very strange alcohol... I normally drink hard liquor vodka, tequila, rum and sometimes gin. Tequila may make her clothes come off but gin makes her twirl around the parking lot, attack at random, and the not completely unfortunate lookind 40 something bartender the hottest man in real life and yes I will take your shoes off with my teeth.

The people, everyone was so nice to me. I was made comfortable by the most random people. People actually came up to me when I was alone to talk to me about absolutely nothing. I never, absolutely, never feel comfortable around people. I normally give socially awkward a bad name and possibly phobically shy. I actually was able to talk to people I didn't know. I usually just stand in a corner looking petrified. Besides being nice to possibly a scary level everyone was so intelligent. I felt like the stupidest person all day. I haven't been so ecstatic in forever. I have hope for my future. That I won't become an average, fat, american, soccer-mom who spends all her spare time in front of the soul sucking box. Going to events and getting involved with the SCA may actually give me the ware with all to stand moving home and working 8-5, going to school and dealing with what blood relations currently pass for family. 

I spent all day dancing, ok not really but more than an hour which for me is a feat of monumental effort. I didn't fall down which I usually do at least once a day just while walking. But I have discovered that I can't twirl. I never thought that would be a problem. I think I sort of got some of the dances. Also amazing. I really liked dancing with different people. And magical abilities are imparted on the more experienced people I danced with because I actually made eye contact more than once. 

Touchy-feely. So I most definitely am not an affectionate or touchy person. I never ever hug anyone who doesn't know the most intimate details of my life (childhood nicknames, sexual preferences, medical history) or is not under the age of 10.  I didn't feel the need to attack, which growing up in KC I usually do if someone in a crowd more than brushes past me, when no less than 7 people had what I would normally consider inappropriate contact with me. I had my hand kissed (actually never happened in my life before), been lead through a crowd by having a man's hand on the small of my back, and was side hugged by a couple of people. These are people I had never met before. Even more remarkable I willing hugged someone else after actually believing, what I considered a very nice endearing complement. I never believe anything nice said to me or about me. I don't actually believe I have an accurate picture of myself but at certain more lucid moments I believe what the mirror and past actions tell me about myself. Complements usually fall into 3 categories: someone who loves me lies, someone is too nice to tell the truth, or the very least likely to occur someone is trying to get in my pants. Needless to say the death of most of the adults in my family combined with limited social interaction except for middle school has seriously affected my ability to trust others.

I have a new hobby reading absolutely everything I can about Florence in the 14th and 15th centuries, especially women, clothes and literature. I will not be satisfied until I know the names and life histories of multiple courtesans from the time, a complete understanding of fashion including textiles and processes used, and lastly have read what the people of the time were reading.

Problem the science geek has lost the love for science. I used to read this much but mostly Nature and sci-fi novels. What the hell 4yrs (well what should have been 4 and I am not willingly admitting how many it has actually been) to get a BS in Biology I have lost my zeal for it...

I am avoiding my mid-terms by giving in to my roommate (summersdream) who is dictating to me right now  which is very annoying!! Shut up I am going to throw heavy objects at YOU!!! She has been on me to open an account for awhile. Since I am avoiding school work and fighting the urge to eat small children dipped in chocolate and pour salt into open wounds of any male, I decided to write instead. This is more productive right?

I am pretty computer illiterate, or at least as any Science/Math major can be and don't really understand all of this.  My roomie who has introduced me to all the fun things nerds should do has tried to explain possible uses actions etc of livejournal. I am pretty intrigued and think I have promising avoidance mechanism for months to come.

I have to admit if feels pretty strange to be posting random thoughts since I haven't even keep a journal since that time in middle school when all good poser goth kids must carry around the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe.

NOVEMBER- Dance of Dragons!!!! I can't wait, screaming, fainting Indescribable. I can't believe it. I didn't think I could hold out much longer. I was only introduced to the series last October and the last three months since I finished have been agonizing. I don't know how the rest of the world has survived the last yrs between books. I was about ready to convene a hunt.